It'll Get Better, Darling

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an extroverted, happy-go-lucky kind of person. I strive to see the best in people, and make the best out of a negative circumstance. I'm consistently trying to make an effort to help others in any way I can. I've never been someone to find the negative aspect in something, rather smile and hope for something brighter to be the outcome. Being this way, however, can become difficult very quickly. About a year or so ago, I started to feel different, it was like a sudden wave of doubt, anxiety, and worry washed over me. I began to smile less, and care less even. I lost a lot of the past friendships I had made, went through a heartbreak, and watched my future plans crumble before me. I began to loose sleep, wake up feeling more exhausted than I did before I went to sleep, and got to the point of not being able to complete simple tasks such as cleaning the house, or doing a load of laundry. I felt as though my whole world lost meaning, and there was an anchor holding me below this sea of stress I was submerged in. That anchor was depression. I was told that I had a condition called "Dysthymia" which in a nutshell is a type of depression that causes a lot of anxiety, stress, to loose focus, and mostly my sleep. It is a condition that constantly leaves me tired, and feeling drained. It's so hard to do even the simple things sometimes . I also deal with a hormonal imbalance that is consistently attacking my body, causing me to gain weight faster, and develop strange and irregular stretch marks, which I’m super insecure about. It took a lot for me to share this with my family, best friend, and boyfriend. I was afraid they would not understand how much it really affected me, and they would just shrug it off as if it had less importance than something more severe. Some days are so hard to smile, it's like I open my closet, and grab a smile to put on, rather plaster on, so people would not pick up on what was really happening inside me. The feeling of not even wanting to care became more and more prominent in my condition. It got to the point where I could say if I were to swerve into a ditch while driving, I would not attempt to swerve, I'd just let it happen, even if death were to be the outcome. I battled and am battling with this, and it's becoming harder and harder to fight with. As a child, I suffered a lot of abuse which might explain the cause of having this condition, but even aside from that, life is a hard journey for anyone to go through, hard past or not. Depression is so looked past, and so swept under the carpet in our society I think. I do all I can to get out of bed in the morning sometimes because of dealing with this condition.Hear me out, I may have depression but depression does not have me, by any reason. I have a harder time getting motivated to start the day, and I feel as though through a progression of time, my joy has been taken from me. When I smile, it's like a smile someone would put on for a photo they did not want taken, all for show. I look in the mirror and only see what people have said about me, and who I'm believing I am. Any future plans I had I've lost, and because I'm hurting, I don't know where to look for them. When I was in middle school, I had a drug addiction, and that caused a lot of pain, and I have by the grace of God, overcame that addiction. I used drugs and relationships, and abused them. That was my escape. Music was a side kick of my pain, it was how I expressed my feelings without outwordly saying how I felt and a way of "avoiding" talking about it. I feel like I'm standing at a cross road, stuck. There is no where to go, and life is like a bus that's coming and I'm in the middle of the road, just waiting for it to hit me. I wish I could go back to when life seemed better, things were happening for me, ya know. I don't feel like they are anymore, I don't see the point to a successful life. I've heard it said that time will tell, but I feel like I don't have any time left, I misused all of the chances life has given me. When will it sink in that life is a gift, I'm waiting for when I can see the security in my life. I have since been going to counselling, and have had so much help dealing with this, and I'm so grateful for the support I have. That's the thing, life is a journey, not a race. I know that I'm going to get better, and discover my inner hype, and passion for life again, it's just a process. I wanted to share this to be raw, real, and relevant with you. Never assume that just because someone has a smile, they aren't hurting. Life has a way of revealing truth to a person, and awakening a hope that has been in that person, waiting to be found. Things are going to get better my friend, rest assured of that. You are unstoppable and a force to be reckoned with, keep fighting. We are bigger than any condition, or failure we could go through. This is a post in honour of #bellletstalkday, mental illness is a thing, and real people encounter it everyday, it's important we support and uplift one another as we face it. Keep the faith that things are going to all work out in your favour, it's gon' get better. - A xo